By Loren Hardin

Ralph was in his late sixties when he was admitted to hospice for brain cancer. He was tall and lanky; well over six feet tall. He was bald from surgery and chemotherapy and unable to talk. During my initial visit Ralph sat silently folded into his wheelchair. His appearance disguised his accomplishments, but his wife, Anne, made sure I knew what kind of man he was. She informed me, “Ralph was a brilliant man. He was strong- willed and self-disciplined. He was gifted in mathematics and sciences. He was a chemist and the nationwide quality control director for a large corporation.”
Anne reflected upon the challenges that she and Ralph had faced because of Ralph’s illness and suggested, “You can learn a lot from hard times if you’re willing. Other people can be your teachers. And you can learn as much from bad examples as you can from good ones. You can learn what not to do.”
Naturally, I asked Anne what she’d learned through Ralph’s illness and she replied, “I’ve learned to look at Ralph as a human being first and a husband second, because you expect more from a husband than you do a human being.” Anne’s statement stopped me in my tracks. As she continued talking I struggled to stay connected. I felt compelled to inventory my relationships. Who have I failed to see as a human being first? Upon whom have I laid unrealistic expectations and failed to extend a little grace and mercy to, to give a little slack to.
I’m reminded of Jesus’ rebuke of the legalistic, hypocritical Pharisees; “They bind heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on men’s shoulders; but they themselves will not move them with one of their fingers.” (Matthew 23:4) We do the same thing today, don’t we? We “bind heavy burdens”, in the form of unrealistic expectations, and lay them on the shoulders of our spouses, children, parents, friends, pastors and professional helpers. We expect more from them than we do from a human being.
Tim Keller, the pastor of Redeemer Presbyterian Church in Manhattan wrote a powerfully penetrating and enlightening book titled, “Counterfeit Gods”, in which he discloses the roots of our unrealistic expectations. He contends, “The human heart is an idol factory…an idol is anything more important to you than God, anything that absorbs your heart and imagination more than God; anything you seek to give you what only God can give you…The human heart takes good things like a career, love, material possessions, even family…or children…achievement or critical acclaim or social standing…and turns them into ultimate things…that we tell ourselves we cannot live without… If anything becomes more fundamental than God to your happiness, meaning of life and identity, this is an idol… No person, not even the best one, can give you all you need…No human relationship can bear the burden of godhood. No lover, no human being, is qualified for that role. No one can live up to that… putting all the weight of your deepest hopes and longings on the person you marry will crush him or her with your…divine expectations… The inevitable result is bitter disillusionment.”
God, speaking through the prophet, Jeremiah, declared, “My people have committed two evils. They have forsaken Me, The Fountain of Living Water. And they have hewn themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that hold no water,” (Jeremiah 2:13). How many times do we have to go to a dry well to get a drink of water before we realize we need to go to “The Fountain”?
Loren Hardin is a social worker with SOMC-Hospice and can be reached at 740-357-6091 or at lorenhardin53@gmail.com. You can order Loren’s book, “Straight Paths: Insights for living from those who have finished the course”, at Amazon and Barnes and Noble.